This One's for the Girls
Girls' guide to friendship
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY I’m writing a day early about a topic that makes me wildly happy. Earlier this week I was trying to fuse a bunch of disparate topics together when — I swear— the universe put the thought in my head write about female friendships. This post is not about inspiration, but I do think it’s fascinating to note how many times we sit down to do one creative thing—say, draw an elephant— and an hour later a poem about memory emerges. More to come, perhaps.
Friendship: every so often, one of my daughters will crawl in to bed with me, a little bluesy about friendship-related topics. I just don’t know how to act around people. My face gets red, and I’m just not sure what to say. I feel like I’m just not someone that people want to be friends with. This is a dagger through the heart, obviously. Primarily because it’s not true, she is fun and light and a wonderful human to be around. I’m biased, but I’m not exaggerating. These sessions make me sad on a secondary level because I too have felt this way since…forever. Not all the time, but friendship can be hard! Making friends, keeping friends, evolving with friends— it’s all really hard. It takes vulnerability AND a thick skin, planning AND flexibility, good listening skills AND good conversation skills, a knack for giving AND a grace when taking.
So I actually don’t have a lot of advice, except that I think there is something to be said for the 21st Century trifecta of 1) texting, 2) calling and 3) spending time with your friends in person that supports and kindles friendships. It’s not as simple as just those logistical tactics, but those elements do matter. However, proving some of my trifecta-theory wrong are the friends I’ve made on Substack just by showing up, publishing this newsletter once a week, and being a little vulnerable. Below is a round up of some of the warmest, most thoughtful (not to mention stylish) women I’ve ever encountered and their responses to the question “how do you make and/or keep friends as an adult?” I’ve also included my mom and one of my daughters. They are warm, thoughtful and stylish too.
I hope you enjoy reading this half as much as I enjoyed putting it together. It’s a love letter to all the many women in my life who inspire, ground, challenge, put up with and love me.
Thank you, I love you!
: One of my friends recently told me that when we go out I'm always already planning a "next date" -- friends are very important to me, part of the fabric of my life, and I think even more so at this age and in Miami, which is newer to me, and where I have an amazing group of friends all of whom know one another.
BTW, Instagram is how I made these friends! They are women I met on IG who I saw lived in MIA, and I asked them out like a dating person LOL. I am so glad I did! Some of the other things I do are - introduce friends to one another, say yes when someone "sets you up" with a potential friend, be there for your friend and ask questions like -- would you like advice or just venting? Would you like a pep talk? If I'm being honest, I also like to give gifts. Giving gifts helps me express love. Oh boy, just writing this makes me want to send someone a gift!
: Making friends as an adult felt challenging but, for me, making friends as a mom feels like playing the hardest level of a video game. There is the obvious problem that I always have chemistry with the mom whose kid MY kid likes least. But then there is the added struggle of schedules and, well, being just plain tired. It feels easy-ish to make friends because I enjoy talking to new people but it's far harder to keep friends unless you wake up every day deciding not to take things personally. I won't be upset if my friend doesn't text me back for days (or weeks), I will offer grace when someone has to cancel plans last minute and— perhaps most importantly— I won't get self-conscious if a friendship fizzles out. And, as a final thought, I never, ever stop trying to make new friendships no matter how many I think I already have.
: Making friends as an adult is harder because it doesn’t happen as naturally as it did in school or college. When my husband and I moved to a new city where we didn’t know anyone, I realized that being open to new connections made all the difference. I met people through Instagram, online communities, and by showing up to events that aligned with my interests, like art shows and fashion-related events. Now, I have a solid group of friends, and we keep up with each other through monthly meetups. For my longtime friends, we make the effort to check in, celebrate milestones, and show up for the big moments because in adulthood, friendships don’t just happen—you have to be intentional about keeping them.
: As someone who had situational friends most of my life, I've learned that adult friendships require discomfort, effort, flexibility and most importantly - grace. I think when you find the right friend, you'll know quickly if it matters to the both of you. Not only because you'll put in the time, but also because you'll allow each other the space to be human, as adult life often requires. Another lesson is to be honest when you haven't shown up because of said life happening, sometimes just acknowledging your absence and explaining why can make all of the difference (this helps correct fundamental attribution error - I am a psychology major after all). Lastly, at the end of the day, there are many different types of friends, everyone doesn't need to be your bestie to bring joy to your life!
: Friendship in adulthood is woven from small, stolen moments—a coffee between meetings, a walk instead of a “someday” plan. I spent years mistaking digital gestures for real connection, convincing myself that a heart on a screen was enough. But nothing fills me quite like hearing a friend’s laughter in real time, feeling the weight of their presence. So I’ve stopped waiting for life to slow down and started making space, however imperfectly. Some friendships fade, others deepen, but the ones that last are the ones we choose, again and again.
: I read somewhere that the secret to making friends is play. Meaning, friendships are most easily formed through playing with someone. Obviously when we're kids, this is simple. We form bonds on the playground, swinging from the monkey bars. We build foundations as we jump in the town pool. We knit shared memories as we ride on our bikes around the neighborhood at dusk. Friendship happens alongside the play. It is a byproduct of it. That's what I focus on when I'm trying to make new friends as an adult. What can we do together, how can we play? Maybe it's inviting someone to pickleball. Or taking a cooking class or an actual knitting class? Or finding a shared interest and exploring that, together. (Like...Substack!) The point is the play. And the friendship will follow.
: First of all, it's SO HARD. I'm not sure I've really figured out exactly how to make friends as an adult, but having a kid and the requisite parent groups I'm a part of have certainly helped. It's nice to have a shared experience to bond over. That said, keeping friends has been even harder, especially with children and shifting priorities as we get older. The friendships I've managed to retain require a lot of scheduling in advance, but also a general recognition that we may not see each other as often as we'd like, but that the regularity of hangs doesn't in itself indicate how much you like the person, enjoy their company, or how deep your bond is. I actually think the best kinds of friendships are the ones that can get picked back up on after long periods away - that's true friendship!!
: Keeping friends in the years of early motherhood has looked very different for me, and as a type A person, I have realized I can choose perfection and barely seeing people, or I can be vulnerable and say “hey are you free to bring your kids over for a last minute hang?” - messy house and all. Spontaneity becomes the secret, and with that, I have had to let some things go. Friendship math is Pizza + messy house + seeing friends once a month > perfect spread + clean house + seeing friends twice a year.
: Making friends as an adult requires a pretty healthy amount of vulnerability. It's always awkward to try to strike up a conversation with the girl on the Pilates reformer next to mine, or to ask a friend-of-a-friend if they'd want to grab a drink sometime, or to go to an event by myself and hope I won't be standing awkwardly on my own. But once I can get over the fear of everything being embarrassing it all becomes a lot easier. Sign up for a ticketed dinner party on your own, DM someone on Instagram who's sort of in your orbit, or join something like a book club without bringing an emotional support friend for security. (To be fair, I am a single, child-free woman living in a major city that has endless activities and events on any given night, so it's not that hard to find a place to test this out.)
Keeping those friendships, I think, is a little more difficult. It sounds obvious, but if you have an inkling that someone you just met is worth getting to know better, you'll have to prioritize asking them to do things with you over and over in order to get the friendship to a point where it feels less *new*. I think the reason why a lot of people feel like they struggle to make friends in adulthood is that it's uncomfortable to invest time in someone you don't know that much about, especially when that time could be spent on an established friendship or your family or your kids or yourself. But if you don't prioritize getting to know that person, you'll forever remain in that "we hung out once" limbo.
: I’ve met people all kinds of ways. Through classes, volunteering. I became good friends with a woman who dog sat for me and we’re still close. Sometimes I become friends with men I’ve dated and those friendships stick around. I live on a sociable street and I’m friends with some of my neighbors. I think the most important qualities with friendships or all relationships are kindness, being able to give your full attention, and reciprocity. When I’ve left friendships it’s because one of those things is missing. I don’t find it harder to meet people as I get older, but it seems more difficult to meet people who I really like and want to give my time to. When I find those people I always feel lucky and I try to hold onto them.
: Consistent text replies. Vulnerable shares. Asking for help. Walks. For the ones far away, planned monthly phone call dates. Allowing seasons of friendship without overanalyzing the ways that people move in and out of our lives. Never be afraid to reconnect with a friend of the past when your present knows it'd be better to have their wisdom with you in the now.
: Make: Vulnerability and authenticity begets quick and strong adult friendships. I made two of my closest friends 1.5 years ago as we all lived within 10 minutes of each other and we all were on maternity at the same time. We would go for walks together multiple times a week - no where in particular, and spill our guts. Something about the walking & talking & postpartum insanity & a little too much caffeine that really expedites things.
Keep: it’s never been too long is my mantra. I have many friendships that we can pick up like it’s been no time at all (perhaps this is a requirement for friendships in adulthood?). Even if we only see each other a couple times a year, we can discuss the minutia and the big stuff in our lives. We are sending texts, memes, little messages that say - I’m thinking of you even if we haven’t talked in awhile…I’m looking forward to talking again! You CAN pick up right where you left off.
Make & Keep: ask anyone to join in! Create an abundance of opportunities to connect with your friends. When my husband and I start thinking about what we’re doing for an upcoming weekend, once we settle on a plan, I’ll spam everyone I know in a reasonable distance. “Hey! We’re going to XXX on X date at X time and going to do X afterward. Join us if you’re up for it. No Pressure!” Our plans are made, so others joining is just upside. Maybe they just join for part, maybe they join for the whole thing, but it’s a great way to see people. I’ll do this when I find out about random things too — our local farm has a morning to meet their baby lambs in the beginning of March? Done. We’re going, I’m sending it to everyone I know in case they want to come too!
My last piece of advice might not be for everyone — but I wish someone had told me when I was younger and thinking about where we would live to consider proximity to friends. I think all my advice was around - pick for your family, go where you want or need to be. And those are key primary factors, but I MISS some of my closest friends that I am over an hour away from (or further). I wish we could see each other more! I wish someone had said - hey, putting your family first is number one, but your community is a close second — you’re no less of a “grownup” if you’re thinking and considering about where your friends will be when you make decisions about where you want to live long term.
: I find consistency and patience are the key ingredients when making adult friendships. Now that we each have built our own lives, new (and maybe sometimes even existing?!) friendships can feel ancillary because your default focus is usually your own family—especially if you're a mom to young kiddos (like me!). But building new friendships is critical to our mental and emotional wellbeing. My approach is to find people I click with (chemistry is unexplainable, it's either there or not!), and then ease into it. Stay persistent and reach out regularly (realistically 1-2x a month is a good place to start) and then build on that. Don't get discouraged if it takes time to get things going; we are all juggling so many balls! But if you stay the course, I'm sure you'll find each new time you connect, spend time together, or chat, the friendship will just continue to get stronger from there!
: Making and keeping friends as an adult is perhaps more tricky than hard, in my experience. A deeper self confidence (thanks to age) makes it easier to reach out to people, physically and/or digitally, but everyone is also so busy with their own lives. I try to make a conscious effort to make time for friends and not cancel plans so that I get the same dedication back. It's a little like dating too, you've gotta flirt and keep it interesting!"
: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve experienced some friendships evolve simply because of proximity and different life stages. You end up spending most of your time with the friends who live around the corner or those you meet through your kids instead of those you were closest with growing up. I have a few friendships from childhood that are still strong because we prioritize getting together (especially without the kids for a proper catch-up!) or being there for each other, whether it’s a quick “thinking of you” text, phone call, or FaceTime. Communication becomes vital so your friends never feel like you don’t care.
It’s easy to make friends if you just compliment someone on something and then start talking to them. Tell someone you like their shoes, or their hair, or ask them how they like the book they’re reading. Then you just have to keep talking to them and sit with them at lunch or in class. 1
When I was four or five years old, I met a little girl while leaning over the chain-link fence in my backyard. She lived a few houses away, but we had long chats over our respective fences every day after school. All that fence-leaning led to being best friends growing up, and even our parents becoming close friends. We attended parties together, went to mass with our families and took long vacations together. We were more like sisters than friends.
Sadly, as an adult I don’t have the same kind of fence that leads to building that kind of friendship. Work gets more complicated; time gets compressed. It was easier when my daughter – the author of this article -- was in school. I used to tease her that I couldn’t go anywhere in Fort Lauderdale without someone running up to say, ”Hi, Jen!” My proudest moments were when I was recognized as being “Jen’s mom.” She introduced us to a wonderful group of friends, as well as parents of her friends, and I was grateful.
Today, even with our hyper-connected digital world, it’s harder to find new friends. Gazing over the fence these days means keeping up through email, texts, and social media. It’s a fun and an easy way to communicate, but it’s not as meaningful as a long and deep conversation. I feel blessed that I still have a few lifelong friends from high school and college days. I can pick up the phone and feel like it was just yesterday.
Fortunately, a number of former work colleagues have become good friends in different ways, and new acquaintances we meet in the neighborhood are treasured, as well. Amid life’s daily demands, I find that I need to purposely think more about friendship and what it means. To be intentional. To be committed. To seek opportunities to meet new friends and take special care to stay in touch with those lifelong friends. And in the end, it’s probably one of life’s most worthwhile endeavors, because friendship is a gift. It’s a gift you carry in your heart, not just in the moment -- but forever.
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I have two daughters. Both have lovely, wonderful friends. The older one (featured here) has a bit more confidence around making new friends than the younger one (mentioned at the top). No, they do not just simply listen to each other’s advice. That would be too easy.
I’m sort of crying reading this because I’m hearing the same through-line amongst all of these incredible women; we all WANT friends, we all agree it is WORK; we are all willing to be intentional, show up and offer grace. Somehow just knowing I’m not alone means everything here.
What a joy it was to read this!!! Loved it so muc, Jennifer ❤️