No.

A year of saying "no" a lot & how it's turned out

When I was a teenager, I worked at a camp with a director who used to answer most requests with a resounding, “Not just no, HELL NO!!” This reply still rings merrily in my ears. He was charismatic and upbeat, but the standard answer to to all requests was NO unless you could persuade him otherwise.

My dad says, “No delivered early is great news.” With the unsaid flip side being that a late “no” is not just bad news, but also various degrees of rude, disruptive, and disappointing. A younger me definitely engaged in some very late “Nos” to things I’d committed to, and then as the event drew closer…eeeshh…actually…I reallllllly don’t want to do that, so I’d make an excuse. It’s a people-pleasing tendency right? To be agreeable in the moment, but then quietly extract oneself late in the game, hoping no one will notice. (But of course, they will).

This time last year, I said a fairy high-stakes “no.” I’m a consultant, and as my contract was ending, I was offered the opportunity to do more work with the same client, but a different project. It was the type of work I’d been assigned as a corporate employee in the past, and I knew that both my success and enthusiasm would be limited. But whooooooooo boy was I not in a position to be turning down work. I didn’t have a backup plan, and I’d made a tax-savings calculation mistake that meant my financial cushion was less than I thought. I said “no” because everything in my gut and my body was saying “no!” — so I listened. It was met with a mildly disappointed look from the client that lasted all of 2 seconds before everyone went on with their day.

And then….something else came quickly—an opportunity that was much better. I didn’t see it coming, but like nearly all good opportunities, it appeared out of thin air during a lighthearted hallway conversation. I’m still engaged in that opportunity today, and it’s been such a blessing. And the opportunity I said no to? It unraveled to a point that it would have actually been really detrimental if I’d said yes.

I’m a little surprised that I had the courage to trust my instincts, but I’m so glad I did.

Some other 2024 ‘Nos’ that have worked out pretty well.

• A pre-election “No” in to a kind invite from a neighbor to attend a political ‘flotilla’ party. With my heart in my throat I replied “thank you for including me; not my candidate.” This one felt scary and polarizing and on the one hand: I’m pot-stirring where I could just say I’m busy but on the other hand a political invite can absolutely be met with a political response. In the end it was fine; great actually! Neighbors can and do have different politics and still be great neighbors. I actually feel more affection for these neighbors than ever because I was candid, and things are still very warm and copacetic.

• “No” to Botox because as much as I like a smooth forehead, I cannot deal with looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the nuance of my own face. Botox was also a budgetary stretch, and eliminating it has allowed me to invest in monthly facials at about half the cost, and I like the look of my lined-but-fresh skin a lot better. For now! The Botox door is always open; or maybe I’ll just get bangs.

• “No” hosting or attending events that I know I cannot show up well for. This one has required me to sit with some guilt, but ultimately a gift of being 40-something is caring less about what people expect of me.

• “No” to a travel sports team that was met with some fairly sharp disappointment. Bottom line: I don’t believe that youth travel sports are that beneficial to youth or sports. There are surely some exceptions, but overall I think they are a racket, they create false hope for a future in “the pros” and they ignore the overwhelming benefits of youth sports for the here and now (exercise, fresh air, camaraderie, sportsmanship, time management, FUN). So yeah, NO.

• “No” to wellness influencers who create problems so they can sell the solutions, which is typically chalky protein powder, unnecessary supplements and fear. BYE!

On the 2025 chopping block: small dumb expenditures, gifting out of obligation, committing to things unreasonably early, ignoring red flags, and chasing social responses. To make more space for: meaningful time spent with friends and family, longer walks, creative-cup fillers like museum visits or writing classes, peace of mind, greater self-respect.

Here’s a ‘no’ I regret. This LaLigne dress from last December still haunts me.

If you are a little nerdy like me and like motivational reminders on your iPhone wallpaper in order to remember what you are working towards— well— today’s your day.

Screenshot → Save → Use as wallpaper